A Patriot's Guide to Demonstrations (Final Draft)

For decades, protests and marches have primarily been associated with the Left.

There are many reasons for this. They generally internalize politics to an extreme extent, becoming obsessed with policies that have absolutely nothing to do with their lives, families, or communities. They have jobs that either give them large amounts of free time or have few repercussions for disappearing for a few days, assuming they have jobs at all. At least half of any Leftist mob will be teachers, baristas, or unemployed. Politics is the center of their lives. The time most people spend on hobbies or with friends and family they spend on organizing and networking, usually on Leftist websites.

Unfortunately, all that time and effort has paid off. They have managed to drag the country so far to the left everything most Americans hold dear is now in danger of disappearing, even from the pages of history given the enemy's obsession with revisionism.

This guide is to help familiarize patriots with the do's and don'ts of exercising the First Amendment right to public redress of grievances.

Planning

Whether countering a Leftist demonstration or organizing your own, planning is vitally important. Once when and where are determined, figure out how to get there, where to park, the nearest mass transit, and where to meet up before and after the event, including alternate routes if roads are unexpectedly blocked. It's a very good idea to scope out the site before hand. Something as simple as knowing where the nearest restaurant or restroom is can be important.

As a rule it's a good idea for the organizers to get in touch with the police before hand, although there are exceptions to this. Even more important is contacting the media, print, television, radio, and internet. Call, write, fax, and e-mail. Encourage others to do the same. Spread the word as far as possible. Prepare press releases and send them to everyone you can think of.

Print out stacks of flyers to hand out to passersby stating who you are, why you're there, what your for or against, and what your goals are.

When making signs, be sure they're legible and easily read at a distance. Use large letters.

Bring sign-in sheets and take down names, e-mails, web sites, and phone numbers so you can stay in contact, organize, and share information.

Social networking sites like Facebook can be very helpful in setting things up.

Prepare talking points so everyone can stay on message. When being interviewed, be clear, concise, and polite. On TV, it's all about the soundbite. Be careful not to ramble.

Appearances

Probably the most important thing to remember is the media's double standard. They will edit out anything that makes the Left look bad and the Right look good. If there are a hundred people and ninety-nine are holding “Bush = Hitler” and “Kill Cheney” signs, and one is holding a “No Blood For Oil” sign, take a guess what someone watching the evening news sees.

Given the risk of creative editing and taking things out of context, always having at least one camera running is highly recommended. If any confrontations start, everyone who can film should be filming. That can be vital later to counter enemy propaganda, or even to use in a lawsuit or criminal trial.

The flip side is if there are ninety-nine “Support The Troops” and “Surrender Is Not An Option” signs, everyone gets to see the one guy with a “Fuck Obama” sign. If you see someone with a sign that makes us look like a bunch of Nazis, don't be afraid to counsel them. This goes for shirt emblems, as well, although those, being less visible, are less of a problem. Profanity should be avoided, along with racist comments. Bear in mind, Islam is not a race, whatever the Muslim Brotherhood and it's fronts might say.

When it comes to symbols, nothing can compare to the American flag. Flags of the armed services (no patriotic rally is complete without the USMC Eagle, Globe, and Anchor) and historic flags such as the Gadsden show everyone who we are and what we stand for better than any slogan. (A good place to get them is here: http://www.flagstuff.com/historic-flags/index.html )

One of the most effective weapons we have is humor. Above all else, the Devil can't stand to be mocked, as the saying goes. The most attractive thing about liberalism is that it gives liberals a false sense of intellectual superiority. Even though they are demonstrably wrong on almost everything, they believe that simply parroting Marxist talking points makes them better than the proles who are dumb enough to work for a living. They're taught that 'wingnuts' are too stupid to grasp humor. Poking fun at them threatens that worldview.

Chants and the like are also important. The more people yelling something, the more the impact, for good or ill. Counterprotesting a Leftist event, “COMMIES GO HOME” gets better reception than “KILL THE RED BASTARDS” even if the latter is more emotionally satisfying. Leave the real heckling to those who have a talent for edging up to the line but not going over it. It's easy to say something you'll regret later when your blood is up.

It's also important to look normal. The average Lefty protester looks like a refugee from a post-apocalyptic movie: matted hair, ragged clothes, appalling personal hygiene, and crazy eyes. Patriots are normal Americans (including many who weren't born here). You can't smell them from blocks away, and clouds of marijuana smoke, patchouli, and BO don't follow them around. No matter how much the editing room tries, if shots of the opposing groups shows a bunch of Woodstock wannabes on one side, and clean-cut, appropriately dressed, flag-waving people who look like their neighbors, who are they likely to empathize with, meta-narrative or not.

When the media comes to do interviews, try to have eloquent public speakers who have a clear understanding of the arguments to talk to the reporters. If someone uses more 'uh's than Obama without a teleprompter, it might be a good idea to let others do the talking.

That said, there's definitely something to be said for having the kind of people the media prefers to show as the typical right-wing nutjob around: bikers and big, mean-looking guys. Despite their professing to love peace, the Left is full of violent, rage-filled maniacs. “Give Peace A Chance,” it turns out, doesn't apply to Enemies of the People's Revolution. Given that well over a hundred million people have been murdered by the Left over the last century, this shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone with more than a passing acquaintance with history.

If they think they can avoid retaliation, many will not hesitate to assault anyone they disagree with. Women, children, and the elderly are their preferred target, given the innate cowardice of most of them. If they have the numbers, they think no one is looking, and their target appears to be unlikely to defend themselves, anything can happen.

It's when people are on their way to or from demonstrations that bad things are most likely to happen. Usually, the police will keep the two sides separate at the demonstration site, but when opposing groups away from there bump into each other there is a chance for a confrontation. If they run into some guys on Harleys from Rolling Thunder, they'll walk small. If they run into some ladies from Band of Mothers, on the other hand, they might decide that maybe, just maybe, if they outnumber them enough, they'd stand a chance in a brawl.

If you're identifiable as part of a group of patriots, it's best to travel in groups. Just seeing an undesecrated American flag is enough to send hard-core Marxists and taqiyya-spewing jihadis into a frothing rage. If you're a 6'2” and 225 lb Marine, odds are they'll swallow their bile and walk away. If you're a 5'1” and 98 lb secretary, they might decide to vent some of their rage on you.

Given that, it's best to travel in large groups and/or make sure that some of you are intimidating enough to stop trouble before it starts, or, failing that, make them regret leaving their parents' basements that day.

The Opposition

That brings us to probably the most important thing: Know your enemy. The Left is far from monolithic. Different subgroups have different behavior, pose different threats, and provide different opportunities. One thing they have in common is the reason that they believe in so much that is obviously not true: because they want to. You can't reason someone out of a position they weren't reasoned into in the first place. That said, the simply ignorant, those who've never heard a dissenting opinion such as anyone who's gone through the public school system, can have their eyes opened.

Liberals

First up, the most numerous, the fair weather protesters: your typical, college-educated liberal. Most of them are young, and either in college or recently graduated. They're there more to smoke weed, hang out, and get laid. As they move into the workforce, they'll start getting mugged by reality, especially when they realize how hard it is to support a family when the government is taking half your paycheck every week. Many will become moderate or conservative as they learn the world doesn't work the way their Meso-American-tantric-consciousness-raising-basket-weaving professor told them. They're actually our primary target. They provide the mass for the big protests, and they're by far the most vulnerable to us. Simply by showing up and getting in their faces we make them unlikely to ever show up to another event.

Think of them as support troops. Not much of a threat themselves, but help those who are a clear and present danger to America as we know it.

Hippies

Then there's the hippies. Don't be fooled by the Peace symbols, they are actually more likely to assault you than the typical protester. Considering all the chemicals in their bloodstreams, they are on a whole other plane of existence from the rest of us, so they are very unpredictable. They might just lay down and stare at the clouds, or they might charge the barricades and try to eat your eyeballs, or anything in between. Showing up at rallies is about the only thing that gives their lives any meaning. They are by far the most likely to be willing to go to jail. At least part of the reason for that is they have nothing to lose by having a criminal record. If you're willing to hire someone with a bird's nest on their head who smells like a landfill, you probably don't care if they have a dozen disorderly conduct or assault convictions.

They're the rank and file of Leftist protests. They can sometimes be more numerous than the liberals. They act based on whatever is bouncing around in their empty heads at any given moment, so don't get complacent if there's a bunch of them sitting around in a drum circle. You never know when they might decide to start a revolution by smashing the state starting with your skull.

Marxists

They are usually the organizers and what passes for leaders of most Leftist protests. Pure evil. They're easy to spot because they'll typically be the ones with bullhorns or wearing something like a shirt, vest, or armband that singles them out from the mob. Skilled at propaganda and rabble rousing, they hide their lust for power behind lofty rhetoric about looking out for the little guy. If you're talking to someone on the other side capable of putting a coherent sentence together instead of a slogan or talking point, they're probably a Marxist.

They fill the vacant heads of liberals and hippies with socialist garbage. They're wannabe commissars, and are perfectly willing to use any tactic if they think it helps their cause. Look at what PETA does to the naive young interns they wrap in plastic in summer and cram into bikinis in winter. The very lives of their followers mean nothing to them. They're smart enough to know that being seen assaulting you is bad for PR but make no mistake, they'd love to put you in a gulag. If you've ever seen pictures of mass executions and wondered what kind of human being could do that, you'll find out the first time you have a conversation with one of these narcissistic sociopaths.

These are the cadre. They are what passes for officers on the Left. They're the real enemy; the sheep and fellow travelers that make up the bulk of the mob aren't a threat without Marxists to mold and use them to influence society. Consider them primary targets.

Anarchists

If you see a bunch of punks wearing masks, breaking windows, and setting trashcans on fire, you've met the anarchists. They call themselves the Black Bloc, and claim they want to overthrow the government. They believe they should be allowed to do whatever they want. That's actually the sum total of their political beliefs. They want to smash things and if you try to stop them you're a tyrant. However, despite openly advocating violence, they're the biggest cowards on the left. Unless they have overwhelming force, they are very unlikely to do anything that might get their teenage asses kicked. Vandalism is their stock in trade, not brawling. They'll set your car on fire but won't throw a punch unless they're surrounded by their buddies. When the riot police show up, they're the first ones to run and leave their fellow travelers to deal with the tear gas, horses, and batons. They'll smash anything they can, loot stores, set fires, and vandalize everything, especially things connected to the government or military. Recruiting offices and war memorials are their most popular targets, police stations tending to be guarded by men with guns.

Saboteurs. They won't stand up and fight if there's a chance they'll get hurt but they'll set your car on fire.

Muslims

At any anti-American event, you'll probably find at least a few muslims. Spouting taqiyya like islam means peace, jihad means spiritual self-improvement, and Aisha wasn't nine years old when mohammed 'deflowered' her, they have many talking points that often contradict each other, such as the same individual stating that 9/11 was a Jewish plot in one breath and that it was a justified reaction to America's foreign policy the next. They try to improve islam's image in the media, recruit converts, intimidate critics, and replace secular laws with sharia. They are shameless liars, and are often self-contradictory. Western raised and educated muslims will smoothly lie about how enlightened and tolerant islam is, and are focused on fooling your typical empty-headed liberal into converting (or 'reverting' as they call it).

They usually restrain themselves when faced with opposition, but that's never a given. At any moment, Sudden Jihadi Syndrome might rear its ugly head. That's even more likely when it's someone born and raised in a muslim nation. Any hint that an infidel doesn't kiss the ground he walks on might be all it takes for him to go into a murderous rage. Women in particular are their favorite target, along with people they think look 'Jewish'.

They are the enemies of everyone else on either side at protests. They cynically believe they can use the rest of the anti-American groups to overthrow the government and create a Caliphate governed by sharia law. The Marxists are using them the same way. If they ever succeed in destroying the United States, they'll immediately turn on each other.

These are the shock troops. If anyone's going to try to kill you, it'd probably be a jihadi. Sometimes they have their own rallies. If you go to counter-protest one, bring your biggest, meanest, scariest friends. You'll need them. If a group catches you alone, run. An attack isn't a possibility, it's a probability.

Provocateurs

A clean-cut, well dressed man wearing glasses comes up to you, looking like he just stepped out of a cubicle. Then he starts ranting and raving, saying the most vile things you've ever heard, daring you to punch his lights out. Meet the provocateur. His goal is to get you angry enough to kick his ass. In his mind, lying in a pool of his own blood means he 'won' somehow. His greatest desire is to have you sent to jail. He also intends to sue you for everything you're worth. If you have any kind of leadership function or high profile, you are his primary target. He's the kind of guy who drops a grape on the floor of a supermarket, step on it, pretend to fall, then show up in court wearing a neckbrace and demanding a gazillion dollars. Odds are they're law school dropouts. They pose as much a threat as someone who's trying to get beat up is able to.

They're agents of chaos. On the bright side, they'll often go after the other side as well. They're not in it for the ideology. Make sure they're being videotaped as they try to provoke you. Even if you don't touch them, they'll probably try to have you arrested or sue you. Having footage to show a jury might be very important. Watch out for others with cameras, though. They can easily edit anything to look like an unprovoked attack.

Truthers

Truthers can be hard to identify from a distance, but up close the glazed, empty stare is hard to miss. Conspiracy theorists gravitate to any gathering, trying to convince everyone they meet that the government carried out 9/11, that contrails are really chemtrails poisoning the planet, or that the moon landings were fake. The Jews are often their favorite boogeyman, and they'll often reference the 'Zionist Occupied Government,' international bankers, and corporations. The media likes to portray them as on the Right, but they find much more fertile ground on the Left.

There is no point in debating them. If you don't drink their kool-ade, you're either 'sheeple' or part of the conspiracy. They are even more immune to logic and reason than any liberal. Refusing to believe that fire melts steel is the least of it. Any discussion will end in frustration and possibly violence; Truthers are not know for being emotionally stable.

The Aftermath

When it's time to go home, it should go without saying that no one should be able to tell you were ever there. Pick up your garbage, pack up your signs and flags, make your way to the nearest watering hole, and congratulate yourself on a job well done.

Remember to document everything and post it on the web, and try to get the media, local and national, to do stories on it.

Thank you for reading, and God Bless America

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

I was at a protest against Hanoi Jane here in NYC yesterday.

I gotta say, being there, the lefties all acted like children. Bronx cheers, farting in our general direction, liberal IQ salutes, etc.

Some of the commie traitors told us to “Get over it.”

Tell that to the thousands of Americans and millions of Vietnamese, Cambodians, and Laotians who died because of Hanoi Jane and her kind. Oh, wait, you can’t.

There was only one officer on duty, and about all he had to do was keep the occasional nutcase away. Just seeing American flags sets hard-core lefties off. Even before they hear us or can read our signs they go into a frothing rage.

http://nygoe.wordpress.com/2009/02/21/aar-hanoi-jane-in-nyc/

http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/2191065/posts

http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/arts/2009/02/21/2009-02-21_vietnam_vets_rally_against_jane_fonda_wh.html

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5176683644694400044

http://www.bostonherald.com/news/national/general/view.bg?articleid=1153745&srvc=rss

http://www.playbill.com/multimedia/gallery//342/?pnum=1

And some photos. Forgot my camera, so nothing from me.

http://good-times.webshots.com/album/570212592tfDLqO

And a word about the NYPD:

Generally speaking, real cops are solidly on our side. Unfortunately, there are far too many people on the force who have absolutely no business being there. And they’re the first to be promoted by Bloomy’s regime.

Take a look at this, from a islamist rally in Times Square last month. I wasn’t there, probably a good thing cause I think the (possibly muj) captain woulda had me arrested.

http://vigilantsquirrelbrigade.blogspot.com/

First order of business: Closed. Fucking. Primaries.

Letting liberals pick our candidate is what really fucked us this year. In a sane world, McCain would’ve been the Democratic nominee.

Second order of business: Purge the RINOs.

The silver lining of last night is that it was a good start. Long term, better to lose a few seats and clear the way for real conservatives to rise. The best thing about Palin is that she exposed the Judases in our midst.

Third order of business: Nationwide grassroots activism.

Retake the party from the ground up. Start grooming the next generations of leaders. Palin and Jindal are the future of the party, but there needs to be many more like them at the state and local level. Start organizing and fundraising now. Rallies and protests every time Hussein tries to ram socialism down the countries throat. Let them know we’ll keep fighting for this country.

Fourth order of business: Prepare for the worst.

Buy. More. Guns.

And ammo, cosmoline, shovels, PVC pipes, and throw some desiccant in there too. Pick a spot above the water table, in dry, sandy soil. Make sure you can find it later. As for when you need to clean them afterwards:

http://www.surplusrifle.com/shooting/cosmoline/pdf/cosmoline.pdf

A long winter is coming. I hope I’ll be able to recognize my nation when it’s over.

I suspect Iraq will soon be a more pleasant place to live than America. It’s already better than Chicago, Detroit, and DC. Those cities are the mold Hussein and the Leftists intend to pour the rest of the country into.

*************************************************************

“Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.”

“As democracy is perfected, the office of president represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart’s desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron”

- H.L. Mencken

(ttb: The Founding Fathers were very smart men who understood human nature. That is why they created a Republic and not a Democracy. Unfortunately the Left has undone much of their work over the last forty years.)

A Cool and Logical Analysis of the Bicycle Menace And an Examination of the Actions Necessary to License, Regulate, or Abolish Entirely This Dreadful Peril on our Roads

by P.J. O'Rourke

Our nation is afflicted with a plague of bicycles. Everywhere the public right-of-way is glutted with whirring, unbalanced contraptions of rubber, wire, and cheap steel pipe. Riders of these flimsy appliances pay no heed to stop signs or red lights. They dart from between parked cars, dash along double yellow lines, and whiz through crosswalks right over the toes of law-abiding citizens like me.

In the cities, every lamppost, tree, and street sign is disfigured by a bicycle slathered in chains and locks. And elevators must be shared with the cycling faddist so attached to his "moron's bath-chair" that he has to take it with him everywhere he goes.

In the country, one cannot drive around a curve or over the crest of a hill without encountering a gaggle of huffing bicyclers spread across the road in suicidal phalanx.

Even the wilderness is not safe from infestation, as there is now such a thing as an off-road bicycle and a horrible sport called "bicycle-cross."

The ungainly geometry and primitive mechanicals of the bicycle are an offense to the eye. The grimy and perspiring riders of the bicycle are an offense to the nose. And the very existence of the bicycle is an offense to reason and wisdom.

PRINCIPAL ARGUMENTS WHICH MAY BE MARSHALED AGAINST BICYCLES

1. Bicycles are childish
Bicycles have their proper place, and that place is under small boys delivering evening papers. Insofar as children are too short to see over the dashboards of cars and too small to keep motorcycles upright at intersections, bicycles are suitable vehicles for them. But what are we to make of an adult in a suit and tie pedaling his way to work? Are we to assume he still delivers newspapers for a living? If not, do we want a doctor, lawyer, or business executive who plays with toys? St. Paul, in his First Epistle to the Corinthians, 13:11, said, "When I became a man, I put away childish things." He did not say, "When I became a man, I put away childish things and got more elaborate and expensive childish things from France and Japan."

Considering the image projected, bicycling commuters might as well propel themselves to the office with one knee in a red Radio Flyer wagon.

2. Bicycles are undignified
A certain childishness is, no doubt, excusable. But going about in public with one's head between one's knees and one's rump protruding in the air is nobody's idea of acceptable behavior.

It is impossible for an adult to sit on a bicycle without looking the fool. There is a type of woman, in particular, who should never assume the bicycling posture. This is the woman of ample proportions. Standing on her own feet she is a figure to admire-classical in her beauty and a symbol, throughout history, of sensuality, maternal virtue, and plenty. Mounted on a bicycle, she is a laughingstock.

In a world where loss of human dignity is such a grave and all-pervading issue, what can we say about people who voluntarily relinquish all of theirs and go around looking at best like Quixote on Rosinante and more often like something in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade? Can such people be trusted? Is a person with so little self-respect likely to have any respect for you?

3. Bicycles are unsafe
Bicycles are top-heavy, have poor brakes, and provide no protection to their riders. Bicycles are also made up of many hard and sharp components which, in collision, can do grave damage to people and the paint finish on automobiles. Bicycles are dangerous things.

Of course, there's nothing wrong, per se, with dangerous things. Speedboats, racecars, fine shotguns, whiskey, and love are all very dangerous. Bicycles, however, are dangerous without being any fun. You can't shoot pheasants with a bicycle or water-ski behind it or go 150 miles an hour or even mix it with soda and ice. And the idea of getting romantic on top of a bicycle is alarming. All you can do with one of these ten-speed sink traps is grow tired and sore and fall off it.

Being dangerous without being fun puts bicycles in a category with open-heart surgery, the war in Vietnam, the South Bronx, and divorce. Sensible people do all that they can to avoid such things as these.

4. Bicycles are un-American
We are a nation that worships speed and power. And for good reason. Without power we would still be part of England and everybody would be out of work. And if it weren't for speed, it would take us all months to fly to L.A., get involved in the movie business, and become rich and famous.

Bicycles are too slow and impuissant for a country like ours. They belong in Czechoslovakia...

5. I don't like the kind of people who ride bicycles
At least I think I don't. I don't actually know anyone who rides a bicycle. But the people I see on bicycles look like organic-gardening zealots who advocate federal regulation of bedtime and want American foreign policy to be dictated by UNICEF. These people should be confined.

I apologize if I have the wrong impression. It may be that bicycle riders are all members of the New York Stock Exchange, Methodist bishops, retired Marine Corps drill instructors, and other solid citizens. However, the fact that they cycle around in broad daylight making themselves look like idiots indicates that they're crazy anyway and should be confined just the same.

6. Bicycles are unfair
Bicycles use the same roads as cars and trucks yet they pay no gasoline tax, carry no license plates, are not required to have insurance, and are not subject to DOT, CAFE, or NHTSA regulations. Furthermore, bicyclists do not have to take driver's examinations, have eye tests when they're over sixty-five, carry registration papers with them, or submit to breathalyzer tests under the threat of law. And they never get caught in radar traps.

The fact (see No. 5, above) that bicycles are ridden by the very people who most favor government interference in life makes the bicycle's special status not only unfair but an outright incitement to riot.

Equality before the law is the cornerstone of democracy. Bicycles should be made to carry twenty-gallon tanks of gasoline. They should be equipped with twelve-volt batteries and a full complement of taillights, headlamps, and turn signals. They should have seat belts, air bags, and safety-glass windows too. And every bicycle rider should be inspected once a year for hazardous defects and be made to wear a number plate hanging around his neck and another on the seat of his pants.

7. Bicycles are good exercise
And so is swinging through trees on your tail. Mankind has invested more than four million years of evolution in the attempt to avoid physical exertion. Now a group of backward-thinking atavists mounted on foot-powered pairs of Hula-Hoops would have us pumping our legs, gritting our teeth, and searing our lungs as though we were being chased across the Pleistocene savanna by saber-toothed tigers. Think of the hopes, the dreams, the effort, the brilliance, the pure force of will that, over the eons, has gone into the creation of the Cadillac Coupe de Ville. Bicycle riders would have us throw all this on the ash heap of history.

What must be done about about the bicycle threat?
Fortunately, nothing. Frustrated truck drivers and irate cabbies make a point of running bicycles off the road. Terrified old ladies jam umbrella ferrules into wheel spokes as bicycles rush by them on sidewalks. And all of us have occasion to back over bicycles that are haplessly parked.

Bicycles are quiet and slight, difficult for normal motorized humans to see and hear. People pull out in front of bicycles, open car doors in their path, and drive through intersections filled with the things. The insubstantial bicycle and its unshielded rider are defenseless against these actions. It's a simple matter of natural selection. The bicycle will be extinct within the decade. And what a relief that will be.

If Jill Greenberg thought this picture would make conservatives turn against McCain, she obviously doesn't know any.

(Photoshop from the MoxArgon Group)

Whatever your politics, this is funny.

An email from Ireland to all of their brethren in the States...a point to ponder despite your political affiliation:

'We, in Ireland, can't figure out why you people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States.

On one side, you had a pants wearing female lawyer, married to another lawyer who can't seem to keep his pants on, who just lost a long and heated primary against a lawyer, who goes to the wrong church, who is married to yet another lawyer, who doesn't even like the country her husband wants to run !

Now...On the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose name starts with the appropriate 'Mc' terminology, married to a good looking younger woman who owns a beer distributorship !!

What in God's name are ya lads thinkin over in the colonies !

From The Onion.

HAZEL PARK, MI—In a statement made to reporters earlier this afternoon, local idiot Brandon Mylenek, 26, announced that at approximately 2:30 a.m. tonight, he plans to post an idiotic comment beneath a video on an Internet website.

Enlarge Image

Mylenek, a moron, prepares to publicly address the "dumbest shiz [he's] evr seen!!!1!"

"Later this evening, I intend to watch the video in question, click the 'reply' link above the box reserved for user comments, and draft a response, being careful to put as little thought into it as possible, while making sure to use all capital letters and incorrect punctuation," Mylenek said. "Although I do not yet know exactly what my comment will entail, I can say with a great degree of certainty that it will be incredibly stupid."

Mylenek, who rarely in his life has been capable of formulating an idea or opinion worth the amount of oxygen required to express it, went on to guarantee that the text of his comment would be misspelled to the point of incomprehension, that it would defy the laws of both logic and grammar, and that it would allege that several elements of the video are homosexual in nature.

"The result will be an astonishing combination of ignorance, offensiveness, and sheer idiocy," Mylenek said.

According to the idiot, he will become incensed at the quality and sentiment of the comments already posted below the video—which will include such replies as "not great, nice try tho," "FIRSTIES!!!" and "wtf?? lol so random." At this point, Mylenek said, he will feel a deep, unwavering desire to offer a dissenting opinion, which he has hinted will include the words "gay" and "reatrd" [sic].

"It is my moral obligation to alert the Internet community to the fact that this video is totally gay, and furthermore, that the individual who made it is a fag," Mylenek said.

Pressed for further details regarding his intended post, Mylenek, who will comment under the Internet pseudonym "xblingdaddy2005x," revealed that there is a strong possibility he will inadvertently post the comment twice.

"After clicking the 'submit' button, I will immediately refresh the page so that I can view my own comment. I will then notice that my comment has not appeared because the server has not yet processed my request, become angry and confused, and re-post the same comment with unintentional variations on the original wording and misspellings, creating two slightly different yet equally moronic comments," he said. "It is my hope that this will illustrate both my childlike level of impatience and my inability to replicate a simple string of letters and symbols 30 seconds after having composed it."

Mylenek confirmed rumors that he will be momentarily sidetracked by another inane task while drafting his comment. The distraction is scheduled to come at 2:25 a.m. in the form of a "related video" link featuring a man being sodomized by a horse, which Mylenek will re-watch seven times and laugh obnoxiously at with his friend and fellow idiot, Steve Blanchette, 28.

"Once this minor diversion is complete, I will finish posting my comment, then sit there like the worthless human being I am and wait for other commenters to respond," he added. "Because, as I mentioned before, I have nothing better to do with my life."

Mylenek said he fully expects that his comment will spawn a series of replies from other idiots around the world, who will either agree with his stance, disagree with his stance, or call Mylenek himself a "d0uche" and post an irrelevant link to a separate video that they will claim to be "way funnier." According to Mylenek, this is all part of the plan.

"We are blessed to be living in an age when we have a global communications network in which idiots, assholes, and total and complete wastes of fucking human life alike can come together to give instant feedback in an unfettered and unmonitored online environment," Mylenek said. "What better way to take advantage of this incredible technology than to log onto the Internet and insult a complete stranger?"

According to media critic Judy Turner, this type of behavior is not uncommon among idiots.

"Brandon's comments in particular contain a degree of unoriginality and stupidity that you only see in the most muttonheaded and imbecilic Internet commenters," Turner said. "In fact, I've seen him use at least a dozen variations of the word 'gay.' Suffice it to say, Brandon Mylenek is a truly stupid, stupid idiot."

Mylenek concluded his press conference with a solemn vow to uphold the awful, unintelligible, anger-inducing quality of his past Internet comments. "I promise everyone that this post will be exactly what you have come to expect from an idiot like myself," he said, "and that I will check my comment regularly so that I can call everyone who says it's stupid a fag."